During a recent conversation a friend and I were discussing kinks and all the things that come with that when it is personal to you. It always feels quite specific and, in the beginning, you wonder if you might be the only person with such a desire. I no longer think in terms of social norms in the bedroom, and I never consider others’ behaviors to any reasonable degree unless we are having open discussion. However, there was a time in the not so distant past that I was constantly preoccupied.
I was nearly 21 by the time I had intercourse and oral sex for the first time. On the same night even. It wasn’t the worst in history, but I wasn’t planning a ticker tape parade either. It didn’t live up to my own expectations. It was, well, vanilla. It never got much better. I married him. He watched porn, I didn’t, he really loved himself, I didn’t think that highly of him by the end.
I quite nearly thought I was asexual. Sure I could orgasm, but it was usually to the thoughts of something far more aggressive. I would never tell, none of my fantasies seemed normal.
My friend shared something about their kink and then asked what it was about Hentai that I enjoyed and why I don’t talk about it much. Ahh.
First, most adults aren’t really into “cartoon” porn. Which is fine, but fantasy characters can do many things we aren’t physically capable of and they can cross all barriers. ALL OF THEM. Secondly, and maybe more importantly, a repetitive theme is consensual non-consent (CNC) which happens to be my dirty little kink. Until now, not one I’ve shared publicly. It was a box my Mister checked off and it made me his wanton slut forever.
Which brought on their next question; “Do you resent that you haven’t recreated your first night together?” To answer that I need to put that night into a little more perspective.
My Mister and I had not been dating. We had, in fact, gone on one date. A lunch date and a matinee movie. We’d talked quite a bit online and by phone. None of it had been remotely BDSM, but there had been sexting/phone sex. I didn’t personally have any expectations as my life was going sideways at that time.
Our first night together was a result of a perfect shit storm and my rabid refusal to let someone have the upper hand. It was simply a detour. One that was strongly, and in retrospect knowingly, encouraged by mutual friends whom I would meet with the next day. He was opposed. I pressed and wouldn’t take anything less than a yes. “I’ll be in your driveway by 10pm,” I said. I thought I was being cute and in charge. Ha!
It has taken 8 years, but he recently told me that he was incredibly angry with me. I didn’t respect his boundaries or his space and I was being intrusive! He said that he intended to teach me a lesson that night and he didn’t think he would see me again. He didn’t think I would stay. Boy did that backfire!
Now, let me pause here to say that I am quite lucky in the fact that I have a quality man who is a Dominant man who respects limits. I had no idea of discussing limits prior to and thankfully I was in the best of hands.
I had never(!) been handled in such a way in my life. The harder he pushed, the more I responded. The more I responded the harder he pushed and the more I submitted willingly. The only thing I knew in those very long hours was that for the first time I felt more alive than I ever had. I also felt safer and more cared for than I ever had.
Please let that last part sink in. I was in the process of leaving an 11 year marriage.
We talked, we shared, I was used for his pleasure and I was on a cloud for 3 days after. It was my sexual awakening. I was 36. I celebrate that anniversary every year.
So to revisit the question, do I resent that we’ve never recreated that night? How could we possibly? It would never come close. But I often masturbate to the memory of it. It’s vivid and it is mine like I am his.
We have had many memorable moments that shine above others and we will continue to have more. I am all in for him. He is all in for me and I may or may not try to make him angry on purpose.